Millennial mums like to come up with multiple theories to explain their child’s behaviour. #GentleParenting #YesMom #AttachmentParenting and many more ideas abound on how exactly to manage communication with your toddler. We also have scary sounding nicknames for the phases that a toddler goes through, like Terrible Twos or Threenager or Fearsome Fours.. almost as if each age is more terrifying than the next!
If you’re looking to manage your toddler’s temper tantrums with the least amount of tears and stress (for both of you), then you need to be prepared for adapting your behaviour to the situation. There are things you can do that actually work, and some things that need to be avoided.
Trying to be a perfect “Yes Mom” is perhaps the most dangerous trap to fall into. The original concept of Yes Mom was that we shouldn’t stop children from becoming explorers, for e.g. don’t stop them from playing in the park for fear of getting scraped knees. But sometimes mothers take this to another level and feel that No itself is a bad word. A toddler, who has started to walk and talk and gain more control of his body & mind, is actually at that sensitive age where he is also exploring what is right and what isn’t. If you try to banish the “n” word from your communication, how will they learn?
Try andkeep a 60-40 ratio to your yes & no responses. Control your urges to be constantly stopping your child. Allow them that extra 5 minutes in the park or let them draw smiley faces on the milk that has been spilled. Of course, you need to be aware of safety. For instance, I will let my son climb the backs of the sofa in our house, because I know there are no sharp edges to hurt him if he falls. I will also explain to him that this sofa-jumping is not something that can be done in a restaurant or someone else’s house.
Even though you may feel that your 20-something month old barely registers what you’re saying, they do comprehend. Rather than just saying “Be careful”, or “Don’t do that”, try explaining the logic behind your communication. For instance, “Restaurants have rules, and no one is allowed to jump around. If you stand and jump then we’ll all have to leave without having our food.”
Of course it is not as easy as saying that once and getting the desired behaviour! Toddlers need repetition. They ask again and again for the same thing for two reasons. One, they take time to register what you are saying. Repetition is how their brain gets wired. And two, they try their luck! You need to be consistent in your message. You can’t stop them from something and then change it to a yes after six times of “Momma, can I?”
Another thing we don’t do in our house is to use threats or scaring the child with “police man” or Gabbar, or some such authority figure. This seemingly harmless practice, which is quite widespread in Indian households, can actually be psychologically scaring for the child. The child can develop an irrational fear of a particular authority figure, or monsters, or some benign person. This can continue well into pre-teens and sometimes even teen years. So rather than this, teach your child about concepts of “Good idea” and “Bad idea”.
For instance, instead of saying, “Don’t throw your toys or else the police man will take you away,” try saying, “Throwing your toys is a bad idea. Playing with them like this is a good idea.” When the child is slightly older, and in the phase of questioning back everything then his “Why” can be answered with logic again. “Because if you throw them, your toys will break and then you’ll feel sad.”
I’ve also found an effective way to deal with toddler tantrums related to doing activities is to use time delay tactics. This concept was introduced to me by Katerina of One Up Baby, and I have used it more times than I can remember. If your child refuses to enter a play zone, for instance, which you have specifically driven over an hour to get to. Don’t lose your cool. Tell her that we can go into the play zone in 5 minutes (or 3 minutes or whatever). Then after a little while, not necessarily the exact time, say “Ok see my watch, five minutes are done. Now let’s go.” More often than not, this will work. Children feel like this is a win for them, and we can get by without creating too much of a scene.
Everyone has a different approach to parenting. Sometimes in non-nuclear families this can be a cause for concern. Grandparents, aunts and uncles are typically more indulgent of kids and so managing tantrums becomes that much harder. So before you embark on setting the “parenting rules” for yourself and your child, be sure to set them for everyone in the family. If a child knows that he can go crying to Dadu or Bua whenever Mummy or Papa is saying no, then it defeats the purpose. We all want our children to have the love and affection of family, so don’t antagonise them. Just make it clear that when a tantrum-like situation is arising, or when you are trying to inculcate discipline in something important then other members should not try to undermine your authority. The child should not feel that he can go and negotiate his way with someone else.
The best thing to do is to start early. Don’t indulge a one-year-old thinking you’ll stop him or her when they turn two. When tantrums show results to the baby, tantrums become habits. This also means that initially you may have instances when you let the child cry it out. If she’s showing signs of getting adamant about small things and howling till she gets it, then it’s time to start defining boundaries. Stand your ground firmly, even though you (or others around you) may feel it’s harsh. She will eventually understand that this method isn’t working. But also, when she starts to get stubborn, you should calmly console her and explain why you are saying no or yes. Once you are done explaining, and the child continues to cry, you can try to distract them with unrelated things. We normally start some form of a treasure hunt. Like, do you remember where you kept your red shoes? Let’s go and find them. (Be wary though that you actually know where those red shoes are! Else you’ll have another meltdown to solve;)) Mahak from Baby & Beyond has even written a post explaining the science behind distraction and how it can help to manage tantrums gently; you can read it here.
And my last bit of advice, to retain your sanity, is to pick your battles. You may have imagined that your child may be a perfectly behaved angel. By now you realise that kids are moody at best, and downright insolent at worst. Give in to some of their small demands every now and then. Make them feel like they’ve won a round (and give yourself a break too!).
Remember always, that they are little people. Not just cute cuddly things that sometimes have emotional meltdowns. Show them respectful behaviour, and they’re sure to emulate the same. I’ll leave you with one of my most favourite quotes, which is now a mantra I repeat to myself half a dozen times a day:
