Back to School: How to Help Your Child Cope

Going back to school can be more stressful for your child than you know. Read this post to know what I mean. We experienced serious anxiety when our son had to start physical school after a break of more than seven months. It was worse than we had imagined, and perhaps even worse than when he started school in Nursery.

But, once we were sure that he needs to battle this anxiety, we used a few techniques to help him get back on track. The journey from “I don’t want to go to school” to “When can I go back to school” was long no doubt, and it had us drawing on every ounce of patience we never even knew we had. But we all got there eventually. And with some creative stress-free parenting, you can too.

Honest & Open Conversations:

Be honest, and don’t try to sugarcoat the facts too much. Children need to be reminded of the positives while acknowledging their anxiety is real. It doesn’t help to trivialise their feelings with statements like “there’s nothing to worry about” or “everything is going to be awesome.” Rather, what worked for us was accepting that he was nervous about going to school, and yet reminding him that there are going to be some parts of the day that he will enjoy more than other parts. And we had to repeat this, with the utmost patience and sincerity for as long as he needed to hear it. We identified which parts of the day were his favourite and focused his thoughts there.

We also had to face the difficult question of why the parents are “working from home” while children need to step out. Rather than dodging this, we felt that it was correct to explain that school activities need to be in person. Online classes were only temporary and teachers aren’t available for those anymore. It helped to remind him, of course, that meeting his friends in person was better than saying hi to them on a video call.

A Goodbye Routine:

He was cooped up with us for so many months, that there was bound to be some degree of separation anxiety. So it’s a good idea to set up a goodbye routine that can help your child when he/she misses you at school. A special song for instance, or secret handshake, which signals to them that it is now time to leave. We have a little routine where we share a “kissing hand” every morning. I’m not sure how much it helps him during the day, but it calms him down when saying goodbye.

This comes from a book called The Kissing Hand, which is a great back-to-school book.

The story is about Chester Raccoon who feels scared about going back to school. His mum shares a secret called the “Kissing Hand” which helps to remind the young raccoon that his mum’s love is with him always. It’s a heart-warming story and stays with kids as a good way to face the day.

Let Them Take Control:

Involve the child in some tasks where they feel they have control. Typically, having the child chose their own bag, a tiffin box, or even clothes & shoes helps. Yes, we all may not be in a place to splurge on new bags, shoes, clothes etc., or maybe the school uniform precludes such choices. But it is empowering to allow the child some sense of control. So, another simple way of doing this can be to allow them to decide what goes inside their lunchbox. I decided to give him a choice of 2-3 items every day, from which he could pick what he wanted to take. Bonus points of course to the fact that he liked to help me do whatever prep work was required the previous night.

Body over Mind:

Kids find it easier to listen to their bodies than adults. If their mind needs strength to deal with a difficult situation, the body can help to find a balance. Teach your child basic breathing asanas & yoga to deal with anxiety. I’m not talking of an hour-long practice or intense poses that can be more challenging than required. But more like a 3-4 minute deep breathing exercise where you sit with your child and just count breaths. For instance, you can try this simple Peace-Love inhale-exhale exercise

Just remember that this needs to be handled as per your child’s constitution so if sitting peacefully doesn’t seem to work, you can create a routine of animal poses like the ones on this link: Animal Poses for Toddlers

An After-School Routine:

Another idea that really helped us was to identify activities that he could look forward to doing after school. This acted as a mental countdown and kept him going. I started a simple treasure hunt with a small “surprise” at the end. This is not an elaborate exercise, but it is special. Even morning, he tells me how many clues he wants to solve and I spend about 15-20 minutes setting this up all over the house. My clues have been simple and included things like “Look under your bed” or “Daddy’s pocket is feeling heavy”, and his treasure has also been easy things like a small candy or a favourite dish for dinner, or even a craft activity! The point is that he knows this is something that happens at the end of a school day and he can remember with fondness during the day.

Dr Jerry Bubrik PhD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute articulates something that resonated with me quite strongly. In this article at Child Mind.Org he says we should avoid giving too much reassurance. He says, “Kids can come to rely on the reassurance and want to hear it more and more often — and when a parent isn’t able to give them complete reassurance their anxiety can worsen”.

So, we were there to hold his hand (and him!) when needed of course, and we were careful to keep our own anxiety and frustrations hidden away from him. But the ultimate aim was to help him find his own way through. This was how we could be sure that he is able to find a permanent fix.

Note: This is simply a recounting of our experiences and is in no way intended to replace or replicate advice that a trained psychologist or paediatric specialist may suggest. You are best placed to judge the degree of support your child needs and you should not hesitate to consult a medical professional for help if required.