Pre-Baby:
Never will I ever…
…Use a phone or an iPad as a baby sitter, even for ten minutes.
…Give a chocolate or ice cream to pacify a tantrum.
…Give up my morning sleep or my morning cup of coffee for anyone.
…Google for the colors, shapes, and sizes of poop.
…Cover pee on the bed with a towel, and go right back to sleep without changing the sheets.
…Let my precious little one have store bought junk food! Not till she’s a teenager and makes her own poor life choices.
…Try to catch vomit in my hands, knowing full well that it’s going to spill over and ruin the couch anyway.
…Tell the little tyke to vomit on my favourite shirt, in an attempt to protect the car seats in someone else’s car.
…Get all dressed up and forget to take a single photo. Because my kid will love every thing about his birthday party, and never have a melt down.
…Try any of these silly nuskas and home remedies that mum believes in. They’re all old wives tales, none of it works!
…Believe in the superstitious evil-eye and put a kala-tikka!
…Be seen in public with spit and vomit marks on my clothes and/or hair.
…Breast feed in public, in a bathroom, on a plane, in a cab, in a changing room, on a bench.. any place where someone can see me.
…Let my child run amok in a restaurant.
…Let my child leave their toys all over the living room! What do they have a toy room for?!
…Get duped by marketing mumbo jumbo of fine motor skills, hand-eye-coordination, five-intelligences and the like; I’m not going to buy things to make my kid smarter, taller, heavier, cuter, better.. something-er.
…Buy things I know are useless, just because they’re cute!
…Pretend I’m too sleepy to read aloud. I’ll make make time to read 5 or 6 books at bedtime. Every (friggin’) day.
…Eat baby-food leftovers as my main meal.
…Forget whether I’ve eaten my main meal or not.
…Force my kid to have the same food every day. My child will be a gourmet connoisseur who will eat what we eat as soon as he gets his teeth.
…Fawn over my baby’s photos and show video after video to a stranger who is so (not) interested in that little carrot that my kid thinks is a snake.
…Spam my social media feeds, and post photo after photo of just my kids.
…Have any damn reason to miss my bestie’s 30th birthday / bachelorette / wedding.
…Sing nursery rhymes and kiddie songs to myself when I’m alone in the car.
…Have unkempt nails. I don’t mean perfectly manicured, but at least clean and tidy nails. How hard can it be to find half an hour to do your nails!
…Let my baby go out to play when he’s got a snotty nose. Don’t spread infection, let them rest indoors for a few days.
…Care about who the baby looks like. He/she should be healthy that’s all (and look like a mini-me of course).
…Sign up my child in some fancy language or sport class just because “look at how good that kid is, and she’s the same age as my baby!”
…Make my kid repeat a mundane task like picking up blocks so I can take a photo. Just to boast about how successful I am at training them at such a young age. *Pfft* how lame is that!?
…Wash the same tee shirt every night for weeks, because that’s the only one that the little tyke wants to wear.
…Ask our parents to change their life plans so we can get some babysitters. Not even once.
…Let my weight go beyond my full term pregnancy weight. I’ll be hitting the gym as soon as the bub is out.
…Wear those corny match-much family coordinated clothes!
…Share space on my shoe shelf or book shelf or cupboard or .
…Judge another mum on how their kid is behaving.
…Let my child play with restaurant cutlery and create a ruckus while I drink the only hot cup of coffee I’ve seen in months. No, I’m never gonna get to that stage.
Post Baby:
Never will I ever…
…
Hmmm.. Been there, done that. And if not, then I’m probably going to be there soon enough.
Did that make you smile? What was the one thing you told yourself you’d never do with your kids, but then ended up doing? Do tell!
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